


Checklist

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Biting, Breathplay, Collars, Crossdressing, Dirty Talk, Domesticity, Edging, Exploration, Feeding, Gag, Hair Pulling, Infantilism, Jerk Off, Kinky Outfit, Leashes, Mirror Sex, Noisy Sex, Orgasm Control, Other, Pet Play, Queening, Restraints, Scent Kink, Self Insert, Teasing, Voyeurism, Wax Play, Xenophilia, ass worship, kitten play, role play, underarm kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:16:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9331073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: You & Dan decide to try to spice things up.Alphabetically, even.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GrellesTARDIS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrellesTARDIS/gifts).



> Written for the absolutely lovely Angels-That-Weep! Thank you so much for the lovely request!

You're curled up on the bed when he finds you, a blanket over your head, clutching at your belly. 

"What's up?" You hear his footsteps, and then his shadow falls over you. He sits down next to you, and the bed dips under his weight. 

"Just... feeling gross," you mumble. "Bellyache." 

"Yeah?" His long arms wrapped around you, his chin pressed against your shoulder, his breath warm against your ear through the blanket. 

"Feeling anxious about... stuff," you mumble.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"It's complicated," you mumble. 

"Okay," says Dan, and he kisses your temple. "Well, I'll be here, when ya figure it out." 

* * *

Some time later, you turn over, pulling the blanket off of your face, to look him in the face.

"Do you think I'm boring?" You blurt out.

"... what?" Dan raises an eyebrow. "Why would I think you're boring?" 

"Because you talk about all this weird kinky stuff all the time, and then there's me, not really... experienced in much of anything." 

"Do you _wanna_ be experienced in anything?" 

"... might be fun," you say slowly. "But... how do you figure out what it is you wanna do in the first place?" 

"We could make a list," Dan suggests, and you snort, because he's such a fucking nerd. 

"A list," you say, deadpan.

"Sure! We can do it alphabetically, or numerically, if that works...."

"How would you rate stuff numerically?"

"... okay, maybe i don't get how that would work," says Dan. "But c'mon, it's the internet. We can just go through stuff, see what looks interesting, and go from there."

"I could live with that," you say cautiously. 

"Awesome," says Dan, and he grabs at his phone, typing stuff in. "Let's get this list started!"

* * * 

It takes you a few days to get the list going - and even more days to stake out the time to do it. But you've got it, finally. 

"I wanna give, for this one," he says, and he indicates the "A". 

“Any particular reason?” You fiddle with your hands, trying not to look too embarrassed. It’s not that you’ve never done kinky stuff before - far from it! Just… never so… methodically. 

“I bet you’re gonna look adorable while you’re writhing around in pleasure,” he tells you, and he’s grinning like a letch, which makes you blush harder, the blood rushing to… certain other bits of your anatomy as well.

"I, uh... I wanna take a shower first," you say, "then I'm good."

"I await you on the bed, my darling," he says, and he kisses you on the forehead, then makes his way towards the bedroom.

* * * 

You're actually shaking when you come out of the bathroom, and he's sitting there, his hair tied back, his shirt off. 

He smiles at you, and something in your chest just... melts. 

"So," he says, "ready to mark off that first point on the list?" 

You swallow thickly, and you nod, climbing onto the bed, naked as the day you were born, flat on your belly. 

His breath is warm and moist against your overheated skin, and you squirm as he kisses up the back of your leg. 

"Fuck, you're hot like this," he breathes. "All open and ready for me, all clean." He licks a line of droplets off of your calf, moving up towards your thigh. "I can taste your soap, a little bit, but I like the taste of your skin so much better...." 

He's not wearing a shirt, and the drag of his chest hair against your leg, and the wet warmth of his tongue against your calf. You giggle when he swirls his tongue against the back of your knee, and you squirm, arousal already beginning to sing in your veins. 

"Thank you," Dan murmurs, and he kisses the meat of it, a loud, smacking kiss, which makes you laugh. 

“Why?” You hate how your voice is shaking, the tiniest bit.

“Because you’re letting me do this with you,” he says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“... oh,” you say. “Um. You’re welcome.”

"Such a tusch ya got on ya," Dan says, using a silly voice, which has you giggling, until he's nipping your ass, and then you make an undignified noise, because he's holding your ass open. He’s always been good at breaking uncomfortable moods.

"Would ya look at that," he says, his voice full of affection. "Nice and clean for me."

"I mean, I can't see it," you say, your voice muffled by your hands. You're blushing so hard that the roots of your hair feel overheated, and you squirm, spreading your legs wider for him. “What with it being my own butt.”

"Figure of speech," he tells you, and then he's pressing his face forward, stubbly and soft, right between the cheeks of your ass. 

You make another undignified noise when he begins to lick, his tongue tracing the outline of your hole. He kisses along the rim of it, then holds your cheeks open with both hands, his thumbs spreading your hole wider. You can _feel_ his eyes, penetrating you like his dick, penetrating you more than that, even, like your very soul is being stared into. You squirm, and then you whimper, as the entirety of his long tongue is inside of you, wriggling and twitching. 

It's... it's indescribable, except that it makes your belly clench and your legs tense up, humping against the bed, panting like a dog as the pleasure curls in your belly, tighter and tighter. He moves to the cheeks of your ass occasionally, peppering them with kisses and murmuring sweet nothings at you, muffled by the skin of your ass. 

He dives in when he catches your hand between your legs, eating your ass with renewed vigor, and you cum like an earthquake, your fingers sticky, the sheep under you sodden with your release. You flop forward, your face in your arms, and you pant.

"I need another shower," you mumble to him.

"I can live with that," he says, and he kisses the small of your back.

* * *

"This... is kind of embarrassing," Dan admits, as you straddle his lap. "I'm... like, I've had the kind forever, right? But I've always been kind of embarrassed to ask for it."

"Why?" You squirm in his lap - you always worry you're gonna crush him, as bony as he is.

"I dunno," he says, avoiding your eyes, blushing harder. "I'm... you know, I don't think of myself as that... kinky, but this is kinda...." He groans, covering his face with one big hand, clearly embarrassed but enjoying himself nonetheless. "I don't want to end up as a character on fuckin'... CSI, or something."

“You don’t want someone to make a quip about your death before putting on sunglasses?” You loosely put your hand around his neck, your fingers on either side of it. 

“We don’t live in the right state for that to be a thing,” you tell him, feeling his adam’s apple bob under your grip.

“What, for people to wear sunglasses?”

“No, for that particular guy to make a quip about you dying of autoerotic asphyxiation, then put on sunglasses. We’re not in Miami.”

“I mean, the guy was fictional,” Dan says, and he laughs nervously. It vibrates through your hand, like holding on to a vibrator. “So that’s less of a worry. But I was thinking more along the lines of I don’t want to be dead.” He paused. “Wait, wouldn’t it just be erotic asphyxiation? Since the auto implies that I’m doing it on my own.”

"That won't be a problem," you tell him serenely, petting under his chin with your knuckles, being careful not to squeeze his neck yet. “And I think you’re thinking about this too much.”

You did your research - you wouldn't want to kill the guy on accident, after all!

He holds onto your thigh, squeezing it, and he smiles up at you through his eyelashes. Despite all of his obvious trepidations, he’s still squirming in his chair, and he’s very obviously aroused, between the bulge pressing against you, the way he’s panting, the darkness of his eyes….

You smile back, your heart squeezed in a vice, and you lean forward, and you kiss him, using one hand to pinch his nose closed as you begin to suck the air out of his mouth, as he begins to tremble against you.

You taste his breath - like himself, a bit like the tea he was drinking before you started the scene, a bit like himself, hot and dry. You nip at his lips, and he moans, still shaking, and when you pull back, his eyes are fluttering, almost rolled back in their sockets. 

You squeeze his throat, just hard enough for him to feel it, just enough for his air to whistle through his throat, and the sound of his wheezing is enough to make you moan yourself, your hips beginning to rock against him, grinding against his erection, your own arousal painfully obvious in your pajama pants. 

He taps you on the thigh, and you let go, panting yourself. 

"While you do it... can you bite me, please?" He's blushing, and his voice is a bit rough. You’re gonna need to be careful - don’t want to damage the goods, after all. 

"Yeah? You want me to bite you?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Well, uh... I like a little pain," he mumbles, "and... and it feels so good, the way you're choking me. I think I might cum from it."

"What, really?"

"Yeah," he says thickly. "I just... need to be pushed over the edge."

"Yeah?" You squeeze him a bit harder, and he gasps, a choked off, wheezing sound. "Like that?"

He nods, hazily, and you lean in, shoving down the neck of his shirt to dig your teeth into the meat of his shoulder.

He spasms against you, whimpering and moaning, and you bite him again, a little harder, still squeezing. You can taste a bit of copper, and your mouth is gonna be sore from the way you’re sucking on him, but it is so worth it, from the way he’s shuddering and shaking against him.

You can tell when he cums - there's a wet spot in his jeans, against your own thigh, and you let go of him, kissing his cheek, as he pants, pressing his forehead against yours.

"S-s-so far," he mumbles, "I think that's my favorite on the list."

You giggle. 

"That's only the second thing," you point out to him.

"You're right," he says, and he grabs your ass. "I guess we've got so much more to try, huh? So much ahead….”

You nod eagerly. 

* * * 

"I got you a present," Dan says, draping over your chair, his chin on your shoulder. His hair is ticklish against your cheek, and you lean back, giving him space to nuzzle up against you.

His scruff is rough, and it gives you goosebumps, racing down your back and across your arms.

"Yeah? What kinda present?" You put your laptop down, to give him your full attention. 

"A kink present," he says. He blushes, embarrassed, and he clears his throat. "If, uh... if this is... moving too fast or whatever, I understand, but, uh... I... I really liked the idea. If that's okay?" 

"What kinda moving fast are we talking about?" You lick your lips, anticipation making your heart thud in your chest. 

"... I might've gotten you a collar," he says. 

"An actual collar? Like... a human collar?" You’ve seen a few ads for them on FetLife, the usual seedy looking thing, but for every seedy store, there’s a decent one somewhere, right?

"Well, no," he says. "Okay, technically, yes, because it's your collar, and you're human, but, uh, it's dog collar, if you wanna read the label." He laugh nervously, then digs through the plastic pet store bag, and brings out a blue collar, with a little tag on it. "I got it for you."

You check the tag, and you blush - your name, printed right there, in the metal. 

"Wow," you say, squirming. "It's... it's really pretty." It’s blue and green, striped evenly. And it’s _yours_ , and he picked it out, just for you. It’s doing something to your belly, your toes curling.

"Do you wanna try it out?" He grins at you, all teeth and cheer.

"Sure," you say, a bit nervous. "I'm, uh... I'm willing to try it." 

The nylon is a bit scratchy around your neck, and he has to do a bit of adjusting to get it to fit, but then it does, and you blush harder.

"Can I, uh... can I see it? Like, in the mirror," you ask.

He indicates the bathroom, and you make your way into it, examining the collar critically. It fits you pretty well, although it sits a bit funny - it's clearly made for something without a collarbone, or shoulders that meet the neck at the angle that yours do.

Well, obviously. It's made for a quadruped, which you're very assuredly not. 

"So you like it?" Dan looks at you, clearly anxious, fiddling with his fingers. "I thought, uh... I thought maybe we could... try playing around with it sometime?"

You smile at him. 

"I love it," you tell him, grabbing him by the shoulders to give him a proper kiss.

He blushes, and he smiles at you. 

"I'm glad," he tells you, earnest. 

Another thing to check off the list.

* * * 

"C'mon, baby," he coos, from between your legs. He's got his face right where it's appreciated - or at least, he did a second ago. 

You're twitching against nothing, your legs tense and your toes curling against his sides as he kisses along your inner thigh, pausing to slurp along your asshole once, just to make you jump. 

Then he's back in, and you hump against him, your hands in his hair, panting, open mouthed as his tongue swirls and jabs, his throat working. He's drooling, right down his chin, and you dig your fingers into his hair as your orgasm comes closer and closer, almost there, almost... almost....

"I don't think you're ready just yet," Dan coos, pulling back, and he kisses your thigh, resting his pointy chin against your belly. "You wanna wait a bit longer, huh?"

"W-w-what?" You blink at him. This is the third orgasm you've missed down, and you're going to explode if you don't cum soon. 

"I don't think you want it hard enough, baby," he says in a soothing voice. "So how about we try again, huh?" 

You're still twitching, desperate to cum, desperate for release, the tension in your belly so tight that some fanciful part of your brain is terrified that you'll break like a twig. 

"What do you... what do I need to do to prove to you?"

"Oh, all sorts of things," Dan says easily. "To start, why don't you moan a little louder?"

You gasp, as his mouth is back on you, and you try to do as instructed, moaning until your throat is sore. 

He’s brought his fingers into play now, his mouth and his fingers, and you’re being penetrated, and it’s amazing, your belly and your ass and all your other muscles fluttering and twitching around his long fingers as they find _that_ stuff, as his tongue pushes you closer and closer to your orgasm.

It’s like you’re on a roller coaster, and you’re ticketa-tacketa-tacketa-ing away, up the huge crest, and you’re about to drop down into the glorious swoops and curves, your whole body going tense and desperate, almost there, _almost_....

“I dunno,” Dan says, and he withdraws, sitting up completely, no fingers in you, no lips or tongue or anything against you, just your own desperate self, clenching and desperate. 

“W-what do you not know?” You get up on your elbows, blinking at him owlishly, still so desperate that you’re about to start crying. 

“I don’t think you’re ready yet,” he says.

You sob.

* * *  
"I made dinner," you tell Dan as he walks into the kitchen, slumping into a chair and closing his eyes, clearly exhausted. 

"What'd you make?" He rubs his eyes, and he yawns, looking adorably ruffled.

Admittedly, you find everything he does cute, but still. 

"I made spaghetti," you tell him. "Kinda simple, but I made a pretty good sauce!"

"What'd you put in it?" He's pulling his shoes off, tossing them by the door, and he does the full body slump thing he does, when he's full relaxed. He looks like a series of pipe cleaners tied together, with a cotton ball on top.

You rattle off ingredients as you pile the food on his plate, adding a torn off piece of garlic bread to soak up the extra sauce that you worked so hard on.

Then an idea strikes you. 

"How about... I feed you?"

"What, like an infant?" He's blushing a bit at that, and that's... something to pursue.

"Well, I mean, we've got "food play" on the list, so why not?" You set your own plate on the table, then more or less climb into his lap, his plate on the table next to you. You’re balancing a bit precariously, until he puts his hands on your hips. 

"I was thinking we could do things with whipped cream and chocolate sauce," says Dan, his hands going to your hips. He's lost the pipe cleaner posture, though, and there's the beginning of something poking you in the thigh.

So you haven't completely lost his interest. 

"I'm not letting all of that sugar near my mucus membranes," you tell him sternly, twirling spaghetti around the fork, then holding it up to his mouth. "C'mon, please?" 

"Okay," he says in a belabored voice. "I guess I'll let my totally hot partner hand feed me the food you slaved over. Since I'm a nice guy." He pauses. “Although don’t ever say mucus membranes in a sexy context again. That’s fuckin’ gross.”

When he's chewed and swallowed, you kiss him, and his mouth tastes like the sauce you worked so hard on, and like himself. 

You've fed him half the plate (with kisses between each bite), when he gets a mischievous look on his face.

"You know what I've always wanted to do?"

"What?" You're pleasantly horny yourself, and everything is a little hazy. 

He grabs a spaghetti noodle, and he takes one end in his mouth, holding the other end out to you. “It’d set the scene a bit more if we had some accordion music,” he says, trying not to drop the spaghetti, “but I don’t know where we could get one at this time of night.”

You're giggling as your nibble along it, but you still kiss him when your lips meet. 

* * *

"I want to fuck you so badly right now," Dan whispers in your ear, and you squirm, grinding against him. His cock is grinding against your ass, through the denim of his jeans, through your own jeans, and he's got one hand on your belly, pulling you closer. The other hand is tangled in your hair, pulling your head back enough to bare your neck for him. "Fuck, you look so hot, so fucking desperate for me. You’re just gagging for my cock, aren’t you? You want it so fucking badly!”

"Y-y-yeah?" You're shaking, and you grind back against him, your own arousal beginning to thrum through you like a swarm of bees. "You want to... you want to fuck me? You want to split me open with your thick cock?"

He moans, a deep, rough sound right in your ear, and it sends more goosebumps along your back, as he begins to actually hump your ass, letting go of your hair to hold on tightly to your hips, like an animal in heat. 

"Fuck, baby, I just need to get as deep into you as I can, I need to just _fuck_ you, I wanna feel you squeezing me so tightly, you're so fuckin' hot inside...." He's moaning, his hands moving to your chest, flicking your nipples, enough to make you squirm. “Come on, baby, let me in, let me fuck you so hard that you forget my name, fuck, forget your _own_ name!”

Your own arousal is evident, leaving a wet spot on your pants, but your mouth is watering, and all you want to do is sink to your knees, take him in your mouth....

That's easy enough to accomplish, at least! 

"I want to suck your cock," you tell him, a bit nervous, and then you say it again, with more confidence. "I want to take your thick cock into my mouth, I want to… I want to feel you twitch against me, I wanna… I wanna swallow your cum, fuck, Dan, let me suck you off, please, please!”

"Mmmm... that pretty mouth of yours, stretched all thin on Excalibur? I'd like that." He pushes on your shoulders, indicating for you to get up on your knees, and you do so, pressing your face into his crotch, the head of his erection against your cheek.

"Oh, fuck, look at that," he croons, as you mouth along it, turning the denim darker, then moving lower, pulling the button open, then the zipper, his cock making more of a lump, since now it's just in the loose fabric of his boxers. 

"You're so big," you say appreciatively, partly to feed his ego, partly because... well, he is a bit on the hefty side, dick wise. 

"I know," he says, and maybe he stands up a bit straighter. "And I need to be in your mouth, like, right now."

"No teasing? You don't want me to suck you off through your boxers? Don't want to leave them sticky and sodden?" 

"I need you on my dick, right now," Dan says sharply, and he shoves Excalibur through his fly, putting his hand on the back of your head. Everyone has a point where they can’t be pushed any farther, and it seems like you’ve hit his. 

You take the familiar salt-musk into your mouth, swallowing as deep as you can, as his dirty talk washes over you like so much water.

* * * 

"I thought we'd try something different today," you tell him, as you dig through the trunk that's been designated the "weird kinky shit" trunk, that sits at the foot of the bed. You’ve given up any pretext of it being respectable - there isn’t even a pile of blankets to hide all the weird fetish stuff.

"What kinda different?" He's lounging on the bed, all long rangy limbs and a pleased with himself expression. 

You hold up the ball gag in your hand, that you picked up from the sex store last week and tossed into the trunk.

He raises an eyebrow. 

"Is that for me, or for you?"

"Well," you say, "I'm kinda curious what you're like, when you can't say anything. Much as I love hearing you." You move closer to the bed, stroking across his chest with your free hand. 

"I'd be willing to try it," Dan says. "What have you got in mind?" 

"Well...."

Some time later, you're lubing yourself up, as he lies on the bed, the ball gag in his mouth, gripping the sheets.

You straddle him carefully, all ready to take his cock inside of you, and you position yourself so Excalibur is just entering you, your muscles trying to pull him deeper.

You're slick with lube, and you sigh as you take him in, shivering around him.

He tries to moan around the gag, but he's muffled, and you grin wickedly, taking more of him in, enjoying the slight burn as he stretches you, feeling the ridge and vein of him, filling you so completely. 

"I'd make you beg," you tell him, "but you can't say anything, can you, sweetheart?" You shiver inside, his cock twitching in yo, and it makes you moan louder, maybe just to show off to him that he can’t.

He shakes his head. The ball gag is making him drool, and he looks cute, his jaw forced open. Like he's sucking cock. His eyes are even watering, and he looks so vulnerable it makes your blood flow hotter.

You begin to ride him, bouncing on his dick, and his hands are on your hips now, his hips going up to meet yours, his cock twitching inside of you, until his hand is on yours and your fingers are interlaced.

You reach between your legs with your free hand, taking your own pleasure, until he knows your fingers away, using his long ones to bring you closer and closer to orgasm, until you shake and shake and shake, panting heavily. 

He's making needy little noises, muffled by the gag, and you smile, because fuck that's hot, and your orgasm is almost there, almost... almost....

You cum around him, and you make a show of making noise, because it's fucking hot, seeing his slightly jealous expression. 

When he cums, his whimpers are muffled, and it's like music to your ears.

* * * 

You don't so much plan the next one as it comes up... organically. As it were.

You're fucking him - _really_ fucking him, the kind of fucking that leaves the knees weak and the whole abdomen sore afterwards. 

Maybe your dick is made of silicone and maybe your dick is made of flesh, but who cares about the technicalities, because he is moaning and gasping and whimpering under you, making noises like he's going to die if he doesn't cum, humping against the edge of the bed like an animal with every thrust of your hips. He’s twisting the sheets in his fists, breathing so hard that if you were a bit more aware of everything, you’d worry about him hyperventilating. 

You grab him by the hair, to pull him up to kiss you, and he gasps and he whimpers, his cock twitching like a tuning fork, his expression (what you can see of it, from the angle) rapturous. He always gets a little out of it when he bottoms to this degree, like some level of stress is drooling out of him with his cum and his breath.

"Fuck, fuck, do that again, please, please, do that again, _please_ ," he begs, so hard that his voice cracks, and okay, that is not expected, but it's certainly welcome. “I’ll do anything, you want, anything, just please!”

"Please what?" You yank on his hair again and you swivel your hips, the head of your cock pressed against his prostate. 

"Please... oh, fuck, pull my hair, please, please, please, pull my hair, please!"

You yank on it again, and he screams like he's dying, and he's shaking so hard that it takes you a minute to realize that he's actually cumming, from his hair being pulled, from being penetrated, from humping against the edge of the bed. 

Holy shit. 

"Okay, ow, ow, I need my head back," Dan mumbles, and you let go hastily, draping yourself along his back to kiss along his neck, nuzzling into his ear. “I do a lot of stuff with that thing. Hard as it is to believe.” He laughs, and his voice cracks, rough from all the moaning and the screaming.

"I'm sorry," you mumble into his ear.

"Don't be," he says, panting heavily. "Well, maybe be sorry for making me land belly first in the jizz, but don't be sorry for the... shit, that was fucking amazing." He shivers convulsively, and you moan, because that makes interesting things happen to your own parts.

"I'll remember that," you tell him, kissing along the ridges of his spine. “What it does to you, I mean.”

He gives a rather feeble thumbs up. 

* * * 

This is the weirdest one so far. 

You're sitting on the floor, and your legs are, um... well, not to put too fine a point of it, you can't close your legs. Because there is a good deal of toweling between your legs.

You wonder, faintly, where he got this stuff in the first place. Obviously, there are places that sell this kind of thing. But, uh… where would h find it? Has he been hiding this for a while?

Maybe he asked Holly to sew it, without giving details. Although now you may never be able to make eye contact with Holly again. 

Best not to think of that, really.

You had your doubts about this - it’s… well, there are implications that can be read from it. But he’s sworn up, down, and sideways that those implications are untrue, and you trust him.

"Hey sweetheart," says Dan, and he's sitting on the floor too, right in front of you wearing a dopey expression. "Aren't you cute? Aren’t you the cutest little thing?” 

You cover your face with both hands, your cheeks heating up.

Dan grabs your hands, uncovering your face. 

"Peekaboo!" He's laughing, and he leans forward, rubbing noses with you. "There's my cutie pie!"

You resist the urge to roll your eyes. He seems to be enjoying the chance to just be dopily affectionate, and far be it from you to deny him the simple pleasures in life. 

"Give Daddy a kiss," he says, and you press a loud, noisy kiss to his cheek, putting your hands on his shoulders to keep your balance, since you’re not exactly used to your thighs being spread that far apart. 

"That's my sweet baby," he coos, picking up the pacifier dangling from a ribbon on your chest and pushing it into your mouth. "Such a sweetheart." He chose the thing himself, in blue. 

He is fond of his blue.

You cuddle up to him, your head on his shoulder, as he grabs your butt teasingly. 

It's a lot bigger than normal. 

This is... certainly an experiment. You're not really sure if you like it or not.

“Who’s my sweet little diaper butt?” He whispers in your ear. “Such a good little baby for me.” He kisses you loudly on the neck, and he rubs his scruff against you, just to make you laugh and wriggle. 

“Are you dry, baby?” He checks between your legs, and you make a disgruntled noise, the pacifier dropping out of your mouth.

“What?” He’s blushing against your cheek. “I put you in that thing for a reason, you know.”

“To satisfy your weird sick fetish,” you mumble in his ear.

“That’s a big word,” he tells you, and he’s bouncing you on his knee, which is grinding right where it’s appreciated, although it’s muted by the thick toweling. 

“I’m a big… me,’ you tell him. 

“Sure you are,” Dan coos, and his hands are on your sides, wriggling them. “You’re a big, scary monster, huh?” He keeps tickling you, and you’re squealing and wriggling, enough to make certain things… well, very interested. 

“You’re mean,” you mumble, and then you squeal again, louder. 

“Meanest daddy,” he sing songs into your neck. “Silly billy babby…”

* * * 

Your pants are down around your thighs, and his pants are off completely. You’re facing each other, legs open, and he’s looking you up and down like he wants to eat you alive. 

“Fuck, you look so good,” he moans, and he’s jerking off slowly, leisurely, like he’s got all the time in the world.

There’s an urgency in your own belly, as your own hand moves in time with his, or at least tries to. You’re so slippery, arousal and sweat mingling, leaving your hand that much more slick, that much more satisfying as you hump into your hand. 

You’ve got different jerk off techniques, obviously, but seeing his hands like this are… fucking amazing. You’ve felt those selfsame hands on you god knows how many times, and now you can’t take your eyes off of them, as his long, spindly fingers wrap around his cock, and your own fingers feel so small in comparison, as you speed up, giving in to the desperation that’s filling you up like so much water.

“You do too,” you mumble. “God, I just want to… I want to ride your dick. Right now. No, I want to suck it.”

“Yeah?” His other hand moves lower, to his balls, and he rolls them in his palm like he’s got all the time in the world, not like he’s making you squirm as you keep your eyes locked on his hands. His glorious, gorgeous hands.

You move your own hand lower, stroking and squeezing and pulling in just the right way to make your toes curl, before going back to the… main event.

As it were. 

Your wrist is going to get sore soon, but who fucking cares, because he’s beginning to fuck his fist, and you lick your lips, your eyes wide, your whole body dripping sweat and arousal. 

You cum first, and the whole time… he’s looking at you with his big brown eyes, and you can’t get over how good he looks - you wish he had cum first, so you could cum with that image in your own head.

But then he’s cumming, his head thrown back, his eyes squeezing shut, and he’s holding his shirt in his mouth as he shoots spooge across his belly and his chest.

“Fuck,” Dan pants, and he smiles, sheepish. “That was, uh… a lot more than I thought it would be.”

You giggle, self conscious but amused. 

* * *

“You really think this looks good?” Dan smooths his hands over his hips, clearly self conscious. “Like, on me, I mean. I feel like I look dumb.” 

“You look fucking _amazing_ ,” you say earnestly, as he wobbles nervously on his boots.

They’re a bit different from his usual platforms - a pair of high heels. They’re equally sparkly, though. 

It wouldn’t be Dan if it wasn’t sparkly. 

The corset hugs his torso like a hungry python, and the panties are… well, they don’t leave much to the imagination, and you’re unreasonably glad for that.

How could you stand to try to hide someone as gorgeous as he is?

Then there’s the leash.

So you’re technically combining two of the things on the list at the same time, which feels a bit like cheating, but how could you not? The collar is so pretty around his neck, and the leash fills you with a kind of power.

You could choke him with it, if you wanted to. You know he’d like that. You’re pretty sure you’d like that.

But all you do is lead him along like a good little pet, as he swagger-staggers in his heels and his corset and his tiny little skirt, because he’s so pretty like this.

Because sometimes you want to break a beautiful thing, and sometimes you want to admire it, and both are viable options.

“Where would we even wear this?” Dan sounds almost defensive, but he smiles nervously when you shoot him a concerned look. “Sorry, just… I like showing off for you, I”m just… not sure if it was worth all that money we paid for it. Since it’ll just be you and me looking at it.”

“You look… so hot,” you tell him earnestly, and you begin to pull him along on the leash, so that he has to follow you, or else trip. “All that leather - we should dress you in leather more often.” You run a hand along his side, the leather cool and whispery under your fingers. 

“I must admit, I’m curious where you found a leather miniskirt in my size,” Dan allows, as you carefully push him onto the bed, flat on his back with his knees open as wide as the skirt will allow. 

It’s short enough that it doesn’t impeded his knees from drifting open, but his thighs are trapped closed.

That simply won’t do.

The leash is still in your hand, and you tug him back up, so that he’s standing for a moment, so you can push the skirt up around his waist. Then you lean forward, forcing his thighs open with both hands, the leash in your hand and forcing him at an awkward angle. You make eye contact with him, over his flat belly and the corset, over his chest, and you smile sweetly, taking the head of his cock into your mouth, through the panties.

He moans, gasping against you and surging forward.

Or at least, he tries to.

You’ve got a tight enough hold on the leash that he’s held down, unable to do anything but squirm, and that’s exactly what you want. 

Your collar looks especially nice on him - you guys more or less have the same neck size, and he didn’t know if he wanted it. But you have a feeling he’s gonna want his own now. 

You tug on the leash, a little harder, and he moans, almost as loud as when you licked his cock. You glance up, and his throat is being constricted, just enough to cut his breath off enough that he can feel it, not enough to put him in any danger. 

“Kinky fuck,” you say affectionately, your face still between his legs, your lips whispering against the head of his cock. His thighs are on either side of you, and they’re like rocks as he tenses up and up, ratcheting up like a spring.

“And you know it,” he says, in a slightly strangled, but very pleased with himself voice.

You give him a nip, right on the tip of his cock, just for that. 

He makes a desperate little noise in response, but doesn’t say anything else. 

As it should be, at a time like this. 

* * * 

Dan is fucking you over the bathroom sink.

It sounds so… clinical when you put it like that.

Like it’s all just a thing that’s happening, like it’s not his stubble against your back, his breath hot in your ear, his cock filling you, sliding slick with lube and arousal, his hands on your hips.

You can see his face in the mirror, which keeps steaming up, and you keep wiping it clean so you can see him, the rapture moving across his features as he seats himself, then nearly pulls out, fucking you hard enough that you’re shaking, trying to stand up on your tiptoes, then flat again, just _fucking_ you, the kind of intense fuck that you can’t do on your own, that you can’t do with a one night stand.

The kind of fucking where you _need_ to see the other person’s face, or else what’s the point? 

Other than the mind melting goodness of his dick splitting you like the red sea, one of his hands between your legs, right where you get the most pleasure, right where you can feel it, right where you’ll be sent that much closer to the edge. 

You’re getting sore already - this isn’t the best position for your calves, for your arms, even for your toes. 

It’s totally worth it, with the mirror in front of you like this. 

You don’t really pay attention to your own face, in a situation like this. Not when you’ve got Dan, in all his glory, speeding his way towards orgasm. 

You clear the mirror off with a squeaking sound, your eyes glued to the glass, and he meets your eyes, panting, open mouthed.

“God, my hair is a mess,” he says, still humping into you like some kind of animal.

You snicker raggedly, because that’s just like Dan. 

“We’re gonna… have to… fuck!” Dan throws his head back, but you can still see his face as he cums, a gush of wet heat inside of you, and you still haven’t cum, but you can worry about that later. 

Because… fuck….

He’s so, so beautiful, reflected back at you in the glass.

“I’d love to make you cum,” he tells you earnestly but if I don’t sit down, like, right now, I’m going to fall over.”

“Can’t be having that,” you tell him. “Wouldn’t be any good for your knees, on all this tile.”

“The epitome of care, you are,” he says, diddling his finger across someplace sensitive. 

“I d-d-do my best,’ you stutter, and your hips stutter with you, as uses his sweet, sweet hands to make your toes curl against the bath mat.

* * * 

Dan is riding you, and he’s got a vibrator pressed against you, right where it’s appreciated.

It’s all so… loud - you moan and gasp and whimper, but you’re trying not to be too noisy, because the walls are really thin, and the neighbors are kind of douchey about being loud, and you don’t want to be that couple, do you?

To say nothing of the vibrator, which sounds a bit like a stuck food processor, 

He’s smiling at you, with his mouth and his eyes, and he’s giggling, which is making you giggle, because the neighbors are… whatever your upstairs neighbors are doing, it is _loud_ , and it’s kinda taking you both out of the moment, because once stuff gets good, there’s someone bellowing… something. 

“H-how inconsiderate,” Dan mumbles, working his cock with one hand as he rides yours. He presses the vibrator closer, and it’s one of those ridiculous plug in ones, so loud that your teeth are starting to rattle, and the neighbors are now… what, square dancing? In really high heels? 

The fuck?

“You know, of course, that this means war,” says Dan, in his best Bugs Bunny impression, which gets you laughing, which makes the dick inside of Dan twitch, which makes him moan and press down harder with the vibrator, which makes your hips stutter forward as you moan, louder than you normally do, but fuck it. 

It’s fucking… how is it so… much, and the music is starting to thud like a migraine headache, and you glare up at the ceiling more thumping goes down.

It’s like a perpetual motion noise machine. The neighbors seem to be getting louder, and Dan is laughing harder, which makes you laugh harder, which makes your orgasm come that much closer, until you’re cumming, twitching, and Dan moans as he feels it, his own orgasm overtaking him a minute or so later, across your chest and your belly.

“Could you keep it down?” The neighbors yell, and you’re pretty sure it’s aimed at you guys - there’s a few people in the unit, but still. It wouldn’t be fair to the little old ladies who live next to you.

“Sorry,” Dan calls back, his tone unapologetic.

Then he turns the vibrator up, louder, and you howl as he digs it in. 

* * * 

“Hi, Dan,” you say, cuddling up to him on the couch.

“Hi, babe,” says Dan, and he kisses the top of your head absently. “How’s your day been?”

“Pretty good,” you allow, your hand moving over his chest. “You wanna… do a thing?” You find one of his nipples under his shirt, and you tug on it, gently. 

He moans, but then he covers your hand with his and moves it.

“You’re trying to speed things up, aren’t you?” His tone is teasing.

“Dunno what you’re talking about,” you tell him, avoiding his eyes and blushing. 

“Sure you do,” says Dan, and then he’s on top of you - when did that happen? Man can move like a cat when he wants to! It can be downright unsettling. 

“W-w-what?” You blink up at him, feigning innocence. 

It’s painfully obvious that you’re aroused, and he’s just… ignoring it, which isn’t _fair_!

“We agreed,” he says, “that you don’t get to cum this week, unless I want you to cum. Right?”

“Right,” you say. “But you haven’t -” 

“I haven’t let you cum yet?” He coos, his hands trailing across your chest, pressing down on your nipples through your shirt, then pinching them. “I haven’t let you have an orgasm, with a toy or with my hands or with your hands… how desperate are you, babe?”

“I’m… pretty desperate,” you pant, grinding your hips against his.

“Would you hump my leg for it? Would you hump the couch, if I said that it was the only way you could get off?” He reaches between your legs and squeezes, and you’re so oversensitive from the denial that you gasp, bearing down on him.

“Yes!” You sob, trying to get more friction. He’s just… holding you there, and he’s got you more or less pinned by his weight, so there’s nothing you can do but take what little he’s giving.

You’re already so on edge that there’s a wet spot in your pants.

“Good to know,” Dan says cheerfully, letting go of you and sitting up. He rearranges his shirt and adjusts his half-hard dick in his pants, getting comfortable again. 

“You’re just gonna -” 

“Could you get me a glass of water?” Dan grins at you, and there are a lot of teeth in that grin.

“... sure,” you say, and maybe you’re walking a little funny as you make your way to the fridge. 

When you look over your shoulder at him, you see that he’s grinning. 

Bastard.

* * * 

Dan is petting you.

It’s different from his usual petting - usually he just rubs his fingers along your hair.

Today, he’s stroking around your ears, scratching under your chin, going down your neck.

It’s lovely, to be sure, and you arch your back, kneading at his thighs, as he keeps petting you, your butt rising.

“Such a good kitty,” he says in a sweet tone of voice. “Good kitty.”

You close your eyes in pleasure as his knuckles dig into your shoulders, then along your spine, making your back arch further, trying to purr, trying to be as much of a good kitty as he seems to think you are.

You roll onto your back, and the bell on your collar tinkles, which makes him smile. 

When he tries to scratch your belly, you grab his wrist and nip it, gently. 

Gotta keep in character, after all!

* * * 

“Your majesty,” Dan mumbles in your ear, his fingers right where they’re appreciated, staring up at you with an awed expression. “You.. honor me.”

You flush, but you’re grinning.

Okay. So the role play is a bit silly. 

But he couldn’t resist, when he added this to the list. 

“Your majesty, please. Let me… let me give you pleasure. Please, do me the honor.”

“D-do you the honor?” You’re riding his hand, humping against it.

“Do me the honor… of letting me give you pleasure,” he says. He makes a big show of scrubbing off his face. “Let me just… clean your throne.” He makes a big show of wiping his face of, and you snort, still rubbing against his hand.

“Are you… are you sure? You wanna do this, I mean. You don’t have to, I’m sure we can find something else that begins with a “q”....” You trail off, as does something tricky with his hips that rubs the head of his cock against your lower back. 

“There aren’t a lot of “q”s,” he tells you, apologetic. “I’m sorry.”

“Well,” you say lightly, “I guess… more than an hour of oral sex is something I’ll just have to live with.”

“But your majesty,” he tells you, his voice full of mock horror, “it’s my duty, as your beloved servant, to provide you with all of the pleasure that I can, with mine own humble self.”

“You’re laying it on a bit thick,” you tell Dan, but the arousal in your belly is still sitting there like a ball of hot aluminum. 

“Well, anything for you, my liege,” says Dan, fluttering his eyelashes.

You roll your eyes, but you knee walk, until he can just pleasure you if he tips his tongue all the way out. 

“Your majesty,” he says, his voice a bit strained, “you’re gonna have to sit a little higher.” He puts his hands on your thighs, squeezing them, then moving to your hips, trying to pull you down.

His mouth is on your genitals - around your genitals, and you moan, beginning to rock your hips, pressing as deep as you can, his tongue wriggling and stroking, and you’re a bit silly with the dumb little crown he got you, but you still… well, as silly as it sounds, you still feel very much like royalty, albeit royalty out of some kind of Roman bacchanalia. 

He’s treating you like royalty, nudging you through three orgasms, licking, kissing, nipping, until you’re almost there, as close as you can to get there, until your knees are shaking and your thighs are like putty. 

You slump forward, panting heavily, then fall to the side, one leg still extended onto his chest. 

“Have I… have i pleased you, your majesty?” 

You give him a thumbs up, then say ”Yes,” when you realize that he can’t actually see you. 

“May I bring you a refreshment, your majesty?” He sits up, and his face is… well, it’s a bit sticky. Downright… gummy. 

“Do you wanna, uh… wash your face first?” You lick your lips - your own face feels… well, sticky. 

“Would you wish for me to?” He stands up, and he bows at you, smiling bright enough to light.

“... yes,” you tell him. “Yes. I want you to wash your face.”

“Whatever you wish for, your majesty,” he says, and he bows again, then trots off towards the kitchen. You can hear the sound of the sink running, and then a muffled gurgling noise that is probably Dan shoving his face into the sink. 

He comes back, and he’s holding a glass of water on a platter.

Who even knew you had platters in the house. 

“Your majesty,” he says, and he smiles when you take a slug of your water. He wipes his face, which is still dripping. 

“Thank you,” you say to him, and you take a good glug of your water. 

He’s still got a boner, and he lies on his back again, flat on his back, indicating his face. 

“Sir,” you say slowly. “Are you offering....?”

He wipes his face. 

“Your throne is dry, your majesty,” he says, and his expression is borderline wicked. 

Far be it from you to ignore his wishes. 

* * * 

He has you on your back, and the restraints holding you down are… well, they’re pretty hefty, truth be told. They’re made of heavy brown leather, with something like fleece lining them, going easy on your wrists, and you’re grateful for that. 

It is so like Dan, to get you a nice pair of restraints - they’re practically comfortable, although your arms are going to get tired soon.

Not so much your legs though, or your thighs.

The restraints are holding those open.

“Where did you even get this set? I didn’t think they made stuff this… elaborate.”

“Etsy,” Dan says, but he’s clearly distracted as he comes between your legs. 

He’s shirtless, his jeans low on his hips. You can see the “vee” of his hips, and you bite your lip, as his hands skate up your thighs, passing over the straps holding them open.

“So you’re trawling through Etsy just to find interesting bondage gear? Why don’t you get weird jewelry like the rest of us?” You’re shivering, as his hands move higher, skate across your belly, to your chest, pinching your nipples. 

“What, like a nice vagina necklace or something?” He leans down to kiss you, and he’s… so… tantalizingly out of reach - you strain at your cuffs, but he’s just out of reach, and you can’t touch him, no matter how much you want to.

You make a disappointed noise, and he grins at you, all mischief and lechery. He kisses you with his lips and his teeth and his tongue, a dirty kiss with his whole mouth, and you kiss him back, as much as you can from this angle, pulling on the restraints holding you in place, trying to wrap your legs around his hips, trying to feel his calves under the soles of your feet.

He pulls back from you, his lips shiny with your spit, and he looks down the line of your naked body and licks his lips.

“I have a feast before me, it would seem,” he says. 

“Whatever you say, Hannibal,” you say, deadpan, and that startles a laugh out of him - a genuine, gut busting belly laugh, where he flops on top of you, and that gets you laughing back, shaking in your leather cuffs, until you finally catch your breath, and he’s looking down at you fondly.

“You know, you’re like, super sexy all trussed up like this,” he tells you, “but if you told me you only ever wanted me to make you laugh… I think I’d be okay with that.”

You blush, looking away from him, and he takes the opportunity to kiss down your neck.

“But,” he adds, “luckily, you’re good with the weird kinky shit. So! Let us commence!”

“You’re such a fucking dork,” you tell him, as he begins to kiss down your neck. 

“I’m just glad we can check this one off the list,” he says, pausing to leave a hickey on your collarbone. “I want to do it again soon!”

As he kisses lower, and you thrash against your restraints, you can’t help but agree with him.

There is something immensely appealing about this… chosen helplessness. 

* * * 

Your fingers are almost - but not quite - touching Dan’s nipples. They’re lingering over his shirt, where the small nubs are just poking out through the cotton, and he is squirming, trying to push his chest into your hands.

“You’re so evil,” he tells you, as you just barely touch him, through his shirt. The sensation is almost enough to be satisfying - you know, because he’s pulled this shit with you before, loads of time, and it’s always as infuriating when he does it. 

“You know you love me,” you tell him casually, and he blushes at the big four letter verb, but he nods anyway, just a little. 

“Well, yeah, but, uh….” He stutters, then clears his throat. “This is still evil.”

“You really think so?” You bury your hands in his hair, and you tug on it, just hard enough that it makes him whimper, not so hard as to give anything close to satisfaction. 

He’s squirming in his chair like he has to pee, his legs widening with every little teasing touch, and he’s already got a boner, pressing against his fly.

That can’t be comfortable, can it?

You make a sympathetic noise, and you make eye contact, pulling his zipper down carefully, fishing his cock out of his jeans, but leaving it, still covered in the fabric of his boxers, jutting out from the denim like a goddamn fishing rod. 

“Baby,” he whines, and he’s actually thrusting shallowly at nothing. “C’mon, baby, please?”

“Please what?” You give him a gentle peck on the lips, just enough for him to feel the pressure and the heat of your breath, nothing more. 

“Please give me… give me something, please!” 

“What kind of something?” Your hand wanders across his chest, pausing to flick his nipples, then trace the line of his stomach to the thin, dark hair under his navel. 

“You know what kind of something,” he whines. “Touch me… with clothes off!”

“Oh,” you say casually, toying with the hem of his shirt. “You want me to take clothes off?”

“Fuck yes,” Dan pants, his eyes eager and bright.

His face falls a bit as you stand up straight from your bent over position, pulling your shirt off. Now you’re topless, and he’s eyeing your… attributes with a slightly glazed look. 

You toss your shirt off to the side, and go back to gently skating your fingers along his chest. 

“Th-that’s… that’s not what I meant,” Dan says, but you can feel his eyes tracing along the lines of your upper body.

You smile at him, a real shit eating grin.

“Well, darling,” you tell him, “I guess we’re just gonna have to pause for a lesson on being more precise, huh?”

He groans like he’s in pain. 

* * *

“Now this… this is a weird one,” Dan says, and he looks very shy as you sit propped up on the bed, your arm stretched out on the pillow. 

“You did add it,” you point out, and you try not to make too many odd noises as his fingers skate closer and closer to your armpit, along your slightly ticklish ribs, along your pectoral, then a just barely touching the soft skin.

“Yeah, because there isn’t a lot of stuff that goes with “u”,” he says. 

“Underwear?” You suggest, and then you bite back a squeal, as he kisses you on the side, following the path of his fingers.

“We… we did that,’ he says, “and anyway I’m not too interested in used underwear.”

“B-b-but… it doesn’t have to be… used.” You’re biting your knuckle to keep from laughing, because his breath is ticklish, his scruff is ticklish, and your armpits are ticklish to begin with, so him nuzzling up in there is just a whole ticklish trifecta.

“Maybe I think you smell nice,” Dan says quietly, and he’s breathing lightly - not the creepy kind of snuffling you’ve seen in videos… of these types.

Okay, so you did some research. You wanted to make sure you were doing it right.

… admittedly, the kink is off the wall enough that not many people have decided that there’s a right or a wrong way to do it. 

“Did I really need to not wear deodorant for this?” Your arm is getting tired, and you rest your hand on his shoulder as he presses his face a bit deeper. You’re sweating, mainly out of nerves, and the anxiety curdles up in your stomach like a worm. 

“Yeah,” says Dan. “I wouldn’t want just a face of the stuff.” 

“Well…,” you mumble, “okay.”

“I… I’ve got a boner,” says Dan, and he sounds as surprised by it as you are. “I guess this is a thing I could kink to after all.”

“I didn’t know that kink was a verb,” you say, still nervous. 

“It totally is,” he says, and he kisses you loudly, right in the center of your armpit.

You squeal like you’ve been pinched - it’s _extremely_ ticklish!

* * * 

“This feels so… dirty,” you mumble, sitting next to him on the couch, watching the television. 

“Why? We’ve got their permission. Hell, they helped us setup the camera.” He’s got a hand down your pants already, in anticipation, and his own pants are unbuckled. 

“I dunno,” you say, as you watch the two people on the screen make out. “Maybe because we know them?”

“Well, yeah, but they said it was okay,” he says, and he’s stroking you, as the two of you watch the scene unfold.

Well, okay, it’s not much of a scene. She’s on top of him, and they’re kissing, their hips rocking together with the easy grace of people with a lot of experience doing this. 

You wonder, faintly, if this is what it’s like when you and Dan have sex.

Maybe you’ll ask some time, see if you guys can get filmed.

Although that’s a whole different… dirty kettle of fish, and right now, you’re biting your lip as she kisses down his chest, your own hand finding Dan’s cock and squeezing it. 

“Are you sure this counts as voyeurism?” You squeeze him in your hand, delighting in the way he swells, the way his hips rock forward.

You’d never admit to this, but one of your favorite things has always been that swell, the beat of his heart under your palm, his quiet little moans as he tries to hide how flustered he is.

“I mean, we’re watching other people have sex, live,” he says. “I should think that’s voyeurism.” 

“Is it still voyeurism if it’s consensual?” You make a surprised noise, as his fingers find something sensitive and prod it gently, then squeeze where it’s appreciated. 

“I wouldn’t want to take part in non-consensual voyeurism,” says Dan, his wrist working easily and his face turning pink as he carefully works you over. “I mean, apart from the, like, ethical issues with that, those types of people are usually the first ones to die in slasher movies.”

“Since when do you watch slasher movies?” You begin to pump his cock, somewhat impeded by his jeans. 

“Okay, so I don’t watch them, but I’ve learned good lessons from them!”

“Like being a peeping tom will result in being murdered via chainsaw?”

“Something like that,” he says.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” you tell him, freeing him from his jeans so you can jerk him off a bit easier.

There’s a moan from the television.

At some point, she lost her shirt.

How about that.

“How about we talk about this later?” Dan says, his voice going lower. “We don’t want to, uh… miss the performance we’re being so graciously being offered.”

“That was a rambling sentence,” you tell him, and then you squeak, as he finds something delicate to flick. 

Okay. So no more grammatical critique.

* * * 

“I’m really nervous you’re going to burn my nipples off,” says Dan, from his spot on the floor, spread out on the drop sheet.

“I’m not gonna burn your nipples off,” you tell him, as the candles burn cheerily next to the tarp. 

They’re special ones you purchased yourself, shaped like pitchers, to make for much easier pouring. 

You even bought them in all the primary colors, so you can paint him up nice and pretty!

“What about my chest hair?” Dan is lying with his arms at his sides, as he refuses to shave his armpits, and getting wax out of armpit hair is probably something you are made to do in hell. 

“What chest hair? We shaved it all off.” You pick up the candle, checking how much liquid wax there is.

“I still think that’s counter intuitive,” he says, and he looks nervous enough that you pause, putting the candle down.

“Are you not up for this?” You avoid touching his chest - don’t wanna get any more greasy, since you’d just have to wash your hands again. 

“No, no, I’m ready,” says Dan. “It just seems… you know, dumb, to shave, if you’re gonna be ripping the hair out anyway?”

You pause, and then the light dawns, and you burst out laughing, 

“Dan,” you say to him, slowly and carefully, “I’m not gonna be taking hair off of your body. I’m putting candle wax on you.”

“To get the hair off, right?” 

“No, Dan,” you says, and you have to sit down for this, you’re laughing so hard. You’re careful not to knock over any of the candles, because… well, nobody wants a fire, especially when one of you has a small towel over their junk and is covered in baby oil. “I’m gonna drip candle wax on you. It’ll feel nice and maybe intense, and it’ll look pretty.”

“... oh,” says Dan, and then he begins to laugh as well, his whole face crinkling up. It’s an ugly laugh - he’s practically snorting - but it’s still… well, he’s still just _so beautiful_ that it makes your chest hurt a little bit. 

“So are you ready?” You stay seated, grabbing the pitcher by the handle. The blue wax has melted enough to be dribbly, should you end up dribbling it.

“Bring it on,” Dan says.

He moans when you begin to drip it down his chest, and you note the beginning of an erection, nudging the cloth aside.

You had a feeling he’d like this.

* * * 

This… this is weird.

Dan has you on your belly, and he’s on top of you, nuzzling into your neck. He’s not talking at all, just whistling and chirping, like a bird. 

There’s something prodding your inner thigh, and it’s a lot… well, the shape is different than what you’re used to having there. It has a lot more ridges, and is a lot more bulbous. 

“Th-thank you for… choosing me, for your… ambassador to your people,” you say, as he pushes your “ceremonial robes” up around your waist, baring your backside to him. 

He whistles his appreciation, a rising and falling string of notes, and he brings his hands into play, tracing across your body as if he’s never seen one before, making surprised and impressed noises at the way your elbow bends, at the crease of your thighs, at the lubed up, sticky hole he finds. 

“That’s… that’s… fine,” you say, as a pair of hands (familiar, but for the fact that Dan is wearing rubber gloves) slide into you, curling and feeling around.

It’s a bit like being at the doctor’s, except being at the doctor doesn’t get you this horny. 

Also, the doctor isn’t constantly whistling, and you’re not sure how to react to that, because he couldn’t think of any other alien noise to make, so… well, whistling works. 

Sort of.

Some of it sounds suspiciously like his own songs.

But fuck it. What is sexual role play, if not a bit improvised and awkward?

The finger inside of you prods, and then something thicker prods you, and he whistles an inquiry. 

“Yes, please!” 

Another prod, another whistled note, rising at the end.

Instead of saying anything, you press your hind end against him, taking in some of the bulbous had.

And what a bulbous head it is. 

Where did he even find this thing?

You moan as he slides in deeper, the ridges and bumps hitting in… interesting places, making your toes curl and your hips buck. 

Dan nips gently along your back, and he’s humming, almost whistling, as he moves lower, his hands on your hips as he carefully hilts himself, even getting the thick knot at the base of the cock sheath into you.

When all of this is done, you’re going to have to ask him just how long he’s been holding this fantasy under wraps.

Later.

He draws the knot out, and it “pops,” which makes your eyes roll back in your head.

Much, much later. 

* * * 

Dan is sitting on the couch, wearing a slightly forlorn expression.

“What’s up, babe?” You sit next to him, cuddling up. He lifts an arm, and you rest your head on his shoulder. 

He’s looking through his laptop with a slightly annoyed expression.

“We’re missing two letters,” he tells you, his arm around you, one of his big hands resting on your hip. 

“Yeah?” You’re more interested in fiddling with his hair than what he’s talking about - truth be told, you’re a bit kinked out.

Not that you didn’t have fun! You really did! and you’re certain that the two of you are gonna return to a bunch of those! They were excellent!

Just… for now… it’s nice to take a bit of a break. 

“There are, like, no kinks that start with “y”,” he tells you, and he kisses the top of your head, his fingers tracing the back of your neck.

It’s slightly ticklish, but soothing at the same time. 

“What about “z”?” 

“I only found two,” he says, “and one of them is about jealousy.”

“What about the other one?” His hands are soothing, and you can faintly feel his heartbeat, which is lulling you into a sense of calm. 

“Zoophilia,” he says.

“Ew,” you respond.

“Exactly,” he says.

“Well,” you say, cuddling closer, “I guess we’ll just have to make some new ones, huh?”

“I guess so,” says Dan. “Shall I get the clothespins?”

You snicker, snuggling closer, putting your head on his chest. He’s wearing a thin t-shirt, and it bunches up - you can see a strip of his belly from here. 

“Later,” you say, yawning.

“Oh, definitely,” he says into your hair. “Most definitely.”

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like this fic? Check out my Tumblr, TheseusInTheMaze.tumblr.com! I've got lots more fic there!


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